Depending on the Favored Child - NYTimes.com

In the decade they?ve been sorting through the thorny tangle of family relationships and how they influence elder care, the sociologists J. Jill Suitor and Karl Pillemer have learned a lot about the effects of mothers? favoritism.

You think mothers don?t have favorites? Or at least won?t admit that they feel closer to one child than another? That was the prevailing wisdom in 2003 when Dr. Pillemer, who teaches at Cornell, and Dr. Suitor, who teaches at Purdue, began arranging face-to-face interviews with hundreds of older mothers in the Boston area.

But the women, who had two or more children and were then 65 to 75, surprised the researchers with their willingness, in the great majority of cases, to acknowledge that, yes, there was one child they felt closest to emotionally. That was the child they wanted to care for them if they grew ill or frail

Who was that emotionally close child? Mothers typically selected ? surprise! ? a daughter, the data showed, and one with whom they had what Dr. Pillemer called ?a history of successful exchanges of help? ? the mother was willing to babysit, perhaps, while her daughter helped with shopping.

Birth order played a part, too: Though mothers said they were more likely to turn to a first-born for advice or in a crisis, the one they felt emotionally closest to was most often a last-born. Middle children were substantially underrepresented on both counts.

Why? Though the studies didn?t ask that question, Dr. Pillemer hypothesizes that ?the one thing that distinguishes the oldest and youngest kids is that they?ve been an only child for a period of time.?

All this would be intriguing but inconsequential, were it not for the way favoritism continues to echo through the lives of both parents and children.

Psychologists have shown that parental favoritism is associated with lower self-esteem and higher rates of anxiety and depression among young children and teenagers. But ?we hadn?t expected how strong the effects still are in later life, after the children have left the parental home,? Dr. Pillemer said.

As the researchers interviewed the Boston mothers? adult children, they learned that ?if you perceive current favoritism, or if you just remember it growing up, it reduces your closeness to siblings and leads to more tensions between you,? Dr. Pillemer said. Moreover, ?you are more likely to be depressed,? as measured by psychological scales.

Favoritism took its toll even on the favored. The psychological damage didn?t depend on whether a particular child was chosen as closest (and anyway, children proved unable to identify which of them their mother would name). It was the existence of favoritism itself that led to tension and depression.

These feelings don?t fade much with time, apparently. Dr. Pillemer recalled sitting with a 90-year-old who wept as she remembered the way her parents favored her brothers. ?Kids, whether they?re 5 or 45, have a keen sense of fairness,? he said. (These findings make me glad I have an only child.)

The latest of the Suitor/Pillemer studies, just published in The Gerontologist, shows that favoritism has consequences for elderly mothers? well-being, too. This wave of interviews, seven years after the first, focused on the 234 mothers, now 72 to 82, who had become ill or disabled and required assistance from their children within the past two years.

Three-quarters of the time, the child previously named as the preferred caregiver did help. But when another child played that role instead, the mother was more likely to be depressed.

That rarely involved the favored child?s declining to help. Usually that child lived too far away or already had other caregiving responsibilities, or had health problems herself.

Still, for the elderly mothers, ?this violates their sense of control,? Dr. Pillemer said. ?They had a preference, it didn?t occur, and they were unhappy about that.?

They talked to interviewers about children who were helpful but simply not simpatico: too bossy, insufficiently understanding, impatient. If the earlier results on favoritism brought to mind the Smothers Brothers and their old routines about whom Mom liked best, the newer findings trigger a newer pop culture reference: Maybe your mother finds fault with your caregiving because she?s just not that into you.

Often, family discussions about which child will step up as a caregiver focus on real-world issues: Who?s nearby, who is or isn?t working, who has space in the house. Those factors matter, but, Dr. Pillemer said, ?when families talk about who?s going to help Mom, looking at her preferences is pretty critical.?

Mothers depressed by what he and Dr. Suitor have called ?violated caregiver preferences? can make themselves and everyone around them miserable; depressed mood can affect physical health, too. Caregiving is tough enough without trying to counter thwarted preferences.

So even though ? pop culture reference No. 3 ? you can?t always get what you want, a mother?s choice of caregiver matters, too.

?It improves the whole experience,? Dr. Pillemer said.

Paula Span is the author of ?When the Time Comes: Families With Aging Parents Share Their Struggles and Solutions.?

Source: http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/10/20/depending-on-the-favored-child/

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